| private to Bevon |
[26 May 2008|04:55pm] |
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What are you doing? I don't want him to come after you either.
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| hexed to Bevon |
[15 May 2008|10:31pm] |
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Everything that I could say would be nothing more than self pity. You're not the one who has tortured me. I told you from the beginning that I would put myself through it for the hope and so I did. It isn't your fault things didn't turn out in my favour. I just had faith in something that I shouldn't have had any faith in. I'm not trying to be a martyr. When he's through with me, he'll just go back to doing what he's always done. I appreciate your want to help, but I don't want to be anywhere near you right now. Everything is fucked up right now. If you really are in love with her, then maybe now you'll understand. Maybe not. This isn't over just you. It's everything. It all draws back into this game he's been playing with me for years. I'm just giving up the fight. I don't care one way or another. Hypocrite, remember? Live fast, die young. Thank you, though. It's been made clear, none of it was worth it. I played the fool. I knew that from the beginning. You love me as a mate. I love you as more. Anything I do from here, I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't, because with you, it's double standards. I'm stopping this.
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[15 May 2008|09:38pm] |
I can never do anything right and nothing I do is ever good enough. No one's proven to me otherwise and it isn't worth it enough. Worth nothing. Are nothing. Be nothing. We all need saving, it's just a trait we carry with us as a species on this planet. And people wonder why I'm doing this. Maybe sometimes, we just need to be saved from ourselves, because we will always be our harshest critic and our own worst enemy. Sometimes, I realize this. I stop myself. It isn't anyone else causing me pain, it's me cause myself pain. I am human nature at its finest. Sometimes the battle breaks you down, sometimes you scream out for help in an empty room where no one can hear you, just sometimes
"Maybe self-improvement isn't the answer.... Maybe self-destruction is the answer." ~Chuck Palahniuk
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[08 May 2008|06:32pm] |
There we were now here we are
All this confusion nothing's the same to me
There we were now here we are
All this confusion nothing's the same to me
But I can't tell you the way I feel
Because the way I feel is oh so! new to me
No I can't sell you the way I feel
Because the way I feel is oh so! new to me
What I heard is not what I hear
I can see the signs but they're not very clear
What I heard is not what I hear
I can see the signs but they're not very clear
This is confusion, am I confusing you?
My last entry was supposed to be private. There's a reason that I failed charms. Anyway, rumours are rumours. I can't be entirely judged by what I wrote. But, I'm not going to hide it or make up excuses either. I don't know what I am right now. I fancy women, I'm not gay. I just haven't figured everything out yet. It's just realization of something very real. Abnormal, but real. That is probably more frightening than anything I've ever experienced. It doesn't matter who all that was about. I've made a lot of friends here at school: gay, bisexual, straight, men, women. College puts everything to the test. You begin to find out who you really are. At this time and point, I'm not going to claim heterosexuality and I've probably just set myself up to losing my inheritance, ruining my reputation within the inner circle of pureblood elitism. Still, none of that matters. I'm accepted here, for whatever I am. If I don't explore the things that I feel and I repress them, it'll only make the issue worse. I guess that's all I have to say on the subject, at least publicly. Also, I guess I'm getting a stepmum and that is just as awkward. She's the cousin of the other girl and now that's just really weird.
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[07 May 2008|12:01am] |
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Unrequited love is a bitch. Never had to deal with it before. Don't generally like people.
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[06 May 2008|12:21am] |
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IT'S JUST A REPUTATION! IT'S FAKE EITHER WAY YOU LOOK AT IT. People think you're gay? So what! It's not who you are! But forcing yourself to love a girl for your fucking rep? That's no better! It's the same bullshit lie, Bevon! You're dumping the things that are real in your life for something fake and I hate you for it! I did it because I care. I tried explaining myself because I care, but you just want to hex me out of everything. I can't sit and watch you downward spiral and destroy yourself because I care! If you can't see that, you're bloody blind!
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[06 May 2008|12:12am] |
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I'm sorry that I want to further my education beyond different sized tits and arses, and the chemistry of mixing drugs! I'm sorry that I was hurt for simply wanting to spend more time with you. I'm sorry that I felt completely left behind when you decided to ditch me the other night! I'm sorry that my company was so boring that you had to go find a kegger to keep amused. I'm sorry that it pisses me off when my best mate hexes me out simply for caring about him!
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[05 May 2008|11:57pm] |
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IF YOU KEEP HEXING PEOPLE OUT OF YOUR JOURNALS THEN YOU'RE JUST PROVING THE POINT THAT SEX AND MONEY MEAN MORE TO YOU THAN ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WORLD AND WHO WANTS A BEST MATE WHO CAN'T STOP SHAGGING FOR TWO SECONDS TO JUST HANG OUT!
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[05 May 2008|11:32pm] |
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Word of advice, don't hex people out of your journal. It makes the situation ten times worse. All the girls thinking of hooking up with Bevon Avery, he's just using you for a bet against his brother. He gets Tevin's share of the inheritance if he forces himself to fall in love with you. You'll be fucked over the moment he gets his hands on the money. I'm going out and all of this is just stupid. Reputation and money over friendship, least I know where I stand in things.
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[03 May 2008|06:50pm] |
Being stood up by mates is not cool. Suppose it's all right though. Sent a message out to my Uncle and we went out to this strange bar just off Oxford's campus. The music was interesting, the people were nice. Still... Anyway, I have an exam on Monday that I'm supposed to study for on Pavlov. I also have a paper that I need to be writing for human origins, but I think I'm going to go down to the music college. They've started practicing their final performance pieces for next month. I was going to sneak around and see what I could overhear.
I need to figure out what I'm going to be doing for the summer. The original plan was to travel with Parvati. I could still travel, but it doesn't seem as interesting to do it alone. I may stay in England, maybe at Oxford. If I get in a few more classes over the sumer, it'll help. I don't know. I still have about a month or so to decide.
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[26 Apr 2008|03:04am] |
Relationships. Don't even know why I bothered with one to be honest. Too many complications. Times constraints. No snogging. No sex I mean, not that I was thinking about things that I should have. I respected her. I didn't do anything with her. Maybe that was the problem? Neither of us made any sort of move. I couldn't help it, I've been too focused on catching up with this term. It'll be over in a few months and if I don't get passing marks, I may not be able to continue the next semester. That said, I still prefer Oxford to Hogwarts. Different environment and more suitable for the things that I love. I'm not longer that strange boy who sits in the back of the class wanting to read and study more than anyone else, save for maybe a Ravenclaw. Everyone here studies. We have to.
I think though, the most underlining issue was the fact that I was flirting with the student aid of my anthropology class. If I was, I didn't notice. Or really, I didn't notice until she snogged me after class one day. That was not my fault. I only stayed after because I wanted to know what would be on the next exam and what I needed to study. It was no offense to Parvati. I care for her, but I think Oxford has pulled us in different directions.
I have my own flat now, closer to Oxford. I like it well enough. Nothing like what I was used to, growing up. It'll do though, for the next few years. I hope that my father has finally come to terms with the fact that I'm going to a muggle school. I love it here and couldn't be happier. Which is a change from Hogwarts, where I didn't fit in anywhere. I haven't been in contact with anyone since I left Hogwarts. I wonder how the Avery's have been.
Bevon, if you're still around and don't hate me for disappearing for a bit, maybe we could go out to a pub or something? I mean, if you do that sort of thing. It's what blokes do right, get drunk and beat someone up in their stupidity. Unless you have a better idea, or you know, don't wish to speak to me at all. Though I thought we were sort of mates. Always ended up next to each other in class and the Great Hall. Maybe he was only being nice? Why do I care so much?
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[20 Feb 2008|04:33pm] |
So, I got the paperwork that I need to get into Oxford. My entrance exam is in two weeks. Which means I have only two weeks to catch up on the muggle equivalent of everything I've learned over the last six and a half years. I'm not too worried about it. I've always been a good studier. Parvati, we should put aside some time after you get off work to study every night. Also, I promised to make dinner tonight and I think I have some idea of what I'm going to cook. You're not allowed into the kitchen for an hour.
I still haven't found a new place to live, but I'm not that worried about it. I think I'm going to live on campus for the first year. It seems easiest. Unless I just stay here with Parvati. I don't think her parents would be very happy about it, but we haven't done anything that they would disapprove of. Anyway, I just haven't seen anything I like. I shouldn't be so picky, but I grew up with certain expectations of where I live and having a one bedroom flat isn't very enthusing.
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[06 Feb 2008|01:44pm] |
The art show was nice. Congratulations, Giselle, on selling all your art work. Huge thing, for someone still alive. Wasn't meant to be a bad remark, just the truth. Many dead artists would be in envy. Oh, and apparently Andy was adding things to your paintings. He now thinks that's the reason they sold, but really anyone can draw stick figures. Some people liked it because you had to search to find them. Least he isn't asking for a cut of the check. I don't think he even remembers the show, honestly.
Yesterday, I picked up some paperwork and brochures from Oxford. I have to apply now, so that I can be sure to have everything done by the time the next term starts in September. Freshman stuff. It won't be so hard once I get through all of this. From then on it should be as easy as just selecting courses. I already know what I want to take, so I'm not too worried about what it is I have to do. It's a big commitment, but I'm willing to do it. Now, I'm just going to have to talk Jul my father into fronting the money for tuition. He isn't happy with me, apparently, since I left school. Oh yeah. I left school. Staying with Parvati until I get a new place. I'm looking tomorrow for somewhere either close to here or closer to Oxford.
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[20 Jan 2008|01:30pm] |
I'm supposed to meet with my dad's girlfriend sometime in the next couple weeks. I told him I already knew Pansy and he went off on me. What the hell? Something about Oxford. He's also trying to convince me to stay for my last few months. I wouldn't be able to get in this late in the term anyway. I know that, but I was going to take the next few months to prepare. I don't have transcripts. I went to a magic school. I guess though, this Giselle, went to Oxford and can help me create fake with my transcripts, home schooling stuff, I don't know whatever I'll need to get in. I know it's a hard school to get into, but one of the best. I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Staying isn't going to change whether or not I get in. They'll never even know about Hogwarts. I also want to start looking for a flat closer to Parvati.
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[05 Jan 2008|01:56am] |
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Millicent, I'm sorry, but this relationship just isn't going to work like I thought it would. It isn't you, it is me. It sounds so cliche, but the truth is, I am in love with another person. I can't help how I feel. It's just one of those things that you can't control. In fact, I see myself with her... indefinitely.
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[22 Dec 2007|10:41pm] |
[hexed to Pansy and close friends only]
Hey stepmum, what are you getting me for Christmas? You know, since you're dating my dad and all, seems only proper. I could give you a list?
[/hexed]
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[13 Dec 2007|01:15pm] |
[Hexed against Julian and his associates]
Great, now my father is kidnapping people. Pansy Parkinson has been kidnapped. I want to do something to help, if only for the fact that I can't stand my father a majority of the time. Something needs to be done if she's going to make it out alive. I'm not trying to sound so pessimistic, but honestly, I'm not quite sure what else to say, when I know him and how he is. If he takes her back to the manor, then I'll be able to help.
Richard, if you need any information on him, that I can give you.
[/hexed]
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